Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions


Every year some folks take some time to reflect on the direction of their lives which results in a number of “resolutions” to correct that direction.  Below is my Top Ten List of New Year’s Resolutions.  With diligence and concentration I should be able to make 2013 the best year yet.  Here we go:

  1. Resolved, not to resolve.
  2. Resolved, daily to petition ABC to cancel “Modern Family” and replace it with “The Phil Dunphy Show”.
  3. Resolved, to become the nation’s first “fourth party” political candidate.
  4. Resolved, to bring the word “fortnight” back into common usage.
  5. Resolved, to lobby Congress to recognize eyebrows as “facial hair”.
  6. Resolved, to figure out why British singers don’t sing with a British accent.
  7. Resolved, to head-butt every person who uses the phrase “win-win”.
  8. Resolved, to keep out of the reach of small children.
  9. Resolved, to live every day as if it’s my five thousand, four hundred and seventy-fifth.
  10. Resolved, to motivate bumblebees to stop producing honey and start producing nuclear fission.
  11. Resolved, to remove the social stigma attached to clear thinking.
  12. Resolved, to square one circle every fortnight.
  13. Resolved, to stop, collaborate, and listen.
  14. Resolved, to learn how to end Top Ten Lists at Ten.

Jonathan Edwards’ Resolutions

It is that time of year–the end of the year–the time when people begin making New Year’s Resolutions. I admit I’m not one for resolutions, but if I did make them, I pray they are in line with Jonathan Edwards. These are the first 21 of his resolutions which he wrote in 1722. He would add to them over the next two years and according to his own prologue planned to read them through at least once a week.

Lord, grant to us to be as resolved as Edwards.


Being sensible that I am unable to do anything without God’s help, I do humbly entreat him by his grace to enable me to keep these Resolutions, so far as they are agreeable to his will, for Christ’s sake.

Remember to read over these Resolutions once a week.

1. Resolved, that I will do whatsoever I think to be most to God’s glory, and my own good, profit and pleasure, in the whole of my duration, without any consideration of the time, whether now, or never so many myriad’s of ages hence. Resolved to do whatever I think to be my duty and most for the good and advantage of mankind in general. Resolved to do this, whatever difficulties I meet with, how many and how great soever.

2. Resolved, to be continually endeavoring to find out some new invention and contrivance to promote the aforementioned things.

3. Resolved, if ever I shall fall and grow dull, so as to neglect to keep any part of these Resolutions, to repent of all I can remember, when I come to myself again.

4. Resolved, never to do any manner of thing, whether in soul or body, less or more, but what tends to the glory of God; nor be, nor suffer it, if I can avoid it.

5. Resolved, never to lose one moment of time; but improve it the most profitable way I possibly can.

6. Resolved, to live with all my might, while I do live.

7. Resolved, never to do anything, which I should be afraid to do, if it were the last hour of my life.

8. Resolved, to act, in all respects, both speaking and doing, as if nobody had been so vile as I, and as if I had committed the same sins, or had the same infirmities or failings as others; and that I will let the knowledge of their failings promote nothing but shame in myself, and prove only an occasion of my confessing my own sins and misery to God.

9. Resolved, to think much on all occasions of my own dying, and of the common circumstances which attend death.

10. Resolved, when I feel pain, to think of the pains of martyrdom, and of hell.

11. Resolved, when I think of any theorem in divinity to be solved, immediately to do what I can towards solving it, if circumstances don’t hinder.

12. Resolved, if I take delight in it as a gratification of pride, or vanity, or on any such account, immediately to throw it by.

13. Resolved, to be endeavoring to find out fit objects of charity and liberality.

14. Resolved, never to do anything out of revenge.

15. Resolved, never to suffer the least motions of anger to irrational beings.

16. Resolved, never to speak evil of anyone, so that it shall tend to his dishonor, more or less, upon no account except for some real good.

17. Resolved, that I will live so as I shall wish I had done when I come to die.

18. Resolved, to live so at all times, as I think is best in my devout frames, and when I have clearest notions of things of the gospel, and another world.

19. Resolved, never to do anything, which I should be afraid to do, if I expected it would not be above an hour, before I should hear the last trump.

20. Resolved, to maintain the strictest temperance in eating and drinking.

21. Resolved, never to do anything, which if I should see in another, I should count a just occasion to despise him for, or to think any way the more meanly of him.