Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions

2013

Every year some folks take some time to reflect on the direction of their lives which results in a number of “resolutions” to correct that direction.  Below is my Top Ten List of New Year’s Resolutions.  With diligence and concentration I should be able to make 2013 the best year yet.  Here we go:

  1. Resolved, not to resolve.
  2. Resolved, daily to petition ABC to cancel “Modern Family” and replace it with “The Phil Dunphy Show”.
  3. Resolved, to become the nation’s first “fourth party” political candidate.
  4. Resolved, to bring the word “fortnight” back into common usage.
  5. Resolved, to lobby Congress to recognize eyebrows as “facial hair”.
  6. Resolved, to figure out why British singers don’t sing with a British accent.
  7. Resolved, to head-butt every person who uses the phrase “win-win”.
  8. Resolved, to keep out of the reach of small children.
  9. Resolved, to live every day as if it’s my five thousand, four hundred and seventy-fifth.
  10. Resolved, to motivate bumblebees to stop producing honey and start producing nuclear fission.
  11. Resolved, to remove the social stigma attached to clear thinking.
  12. Resolved, to square one circle every fortnight.
  13. Resolved, to stop, collaborate, and listen.
  14. Resolved, to learn how to end Top Ten Lists at Ten.
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